I called a friend recently, and we started talking about relationships—how people treat us, how we treat them, and what we expect from each other.
As the conversation went on, we noticed something about our own experiences. When we feel disappointed or frustrated with someone, we usually look at what they did first. It takes more effort to ask whether we also played a part in how things got there.
One example we talked about was cooking at home.
Imagine a wife who cooks fresh food for her husband every day. She does it willingly, without being asked. Over time, he gets used to it. What started as something she chose to do becomes something he expects.
Then one day, he demands it, or gets upset when a meal isn’t ready. She feels unappreciated, and resentment starts to build.
His demand is still his responsibility. Being cared for doesn’t give someone the right to take that care for granted. But there’s also a pattern worth looking at: something happened regularly, an expectation formed, and perhaps neither person talked about what it meant or whether it was still working for both of them.
I can see how this happens in other relationships too. We keep saying yes, keep taking care of something, or stay quiet when we’re uncomfortable. Sometimes we hope the other person will notice that we’re tired or that our needs have changed. Meanwhile, they may assume everything is fine because it has always been this way.
That doesn’t make every disagreement equally both people’s fault. But it makes me wonder how often I blame someone for an expectation I helped establish without ever discussing it.
Maybe the conversation needs to happen sooner: I know this is what we usually do, but it’s becoming difficult for me. Can we find another way?
What I took from that call was a question for myself. Before deciding that the other person needs to change, have I clearly told them what I need—and looked honestly at my part in the pattern?