My wife comes from a big family, with a lot of uncles, aunties, and cousins. While we were dating, and even after we got married, there were so many family gatherings.
I was amazed by how close everyone seemed. In some ways, I even envied those relationships. My side of the family is smaller, and we didn’t grow up with that same closeness, for reasons I’ll write about another time.
Watching her family together, I hoped my kids would have something like that as they grew older—a family they would keep gathering with and feel connected to.
But as the years passed, that togetherness faded.
Looking back, I wonder how much of it depended on Grandma. She was the glue. Everyone came together because of her, and perhaps some relationships weren’t as close as they appeared at those gatherings.
Now, some cousins don’t talk to each other because of issues that happened between their parents. That’s the part that stays with me. Problems from one generation have found their way into the relationships of the next.
It made me think about what happens when something bothers us in a family and we hold on to it instead of talking about it. The hurt doesn’t necessarily disappear. Sometimes it becomes distance, and our kids grow up inside that distance without fully understanding how it started.
I know talking doesn’t solve everything. Some problems are deeper, and moving forward doesn’t always mean becoming close again. But I wish there were more chances to address things honestly before years of silence make the separation feel normal.
As a parent, it makes me ask what I’m passing down. I want my kids to have room to build their own relationships, without feeling they have to carry every disagreement or grudge that came before them.
I admired those family gatherings because I saw something I wanted for my children. Now I’m realizing that keeping a family connected takes more than showing up while one person holds everyone together. It also takes being willing to have the difficult conversations ourselves.